An unexpected joyous time

And I'm feeling shame, feeling failure, feeling a great sense of lacking

How did I get to this place when I was trying so hard to not budge an inch

And you came along to draw me out--and for what?

What was the purpose of all of this

Now I'm left with a wasted sense of restlessness

Not comfortable with myself, sitting in my own skin

Don't know what to do with my hands

Never know what to do with my body 

Something so soothing about walking aimlessly at night and ending up at the river

The chaotic and yet undefined reflection of light, bouncing off the surface

Mixing with the sounds of other waves, other melancholic reflections

From sharp edges, harsh angles shaping what I'm feeling, shaping what's ailing

Feeding on the old wounds left over from another beast

You've taken what you wanted with hard and subtle persuasion

You've fooled those closest to you, the ones weak with sympathy

You've fed off the hand that's drunk and unaware of its discrepancies

You can't break a spine if it doesn't exist

You can't steal time if it's in excess

How can I remove the thorn from my heart

When my hands are trembling?

How do I move through time and space

When this feels never-mending?

I lie awake at night trying to answer the unsolvable problem

Trying to practice kindness in the face of pain

I try to be good, but falter along the way

 Is anything every accomplished by cursing time?

Choices I made, opportunities I missed (I'm cursed)

I haunt myself with my own words

Always coming back to me, they echo

I give power

To everything

Everything else

But myself

All of my idols are sad

But maybe that's the human condition

To be full of things

Like longing and guilt

Insatiable and haunting

Whenever I feel like I'm not enough

I always wish I could will myself into a different way of being

Replace part of my personality with something new

Jump into someone else's body

Or maybe just will myself away

Maybe the issue is with scenery

Feeling displaced with where trying to build a home

Perpetually roaming, longing for what seems unattainable--

A deep, sought after comfort

Which seems like a myth, yet we all try anyway

I feel the lust in my lungs when my chest seizes

The burdened breaths and automated, unintentional heavy sighs

Always finding myself staring off

Having zero thoughts, having twenty- all at once

I'm juggling between what seems logical

And what is most certainly an annoying undercurrent of paranoia

Of course I know best when I'm being ridiculous

I take it harshly and in absolutes, instead of in half truths

I wear them as branding of my misgivings

And so I can be open and warm until I remember then try to hide myself away

Cover up my skin--all until the false confidence begins again

I never thought I was this insecure, but maybe I am

But maybe this is normal, maybe this is everyone

Hard to tell when we're all trying so hard to pretend otherwise

Curse myself for being this way

Damn the world for its complexities and acquired tastes

Miscommunications and ventures bringing waste

Mortified by my own desires and questioning of what I think I deserve

I'd rather leave it be and pretend I never trailed down a path that leads to nowhere

Always wondering what is it exactly I have learned if not just another way of resilience

 What's "for the best" doesn't necessarily feel positive

It sometimes feels like a bruise being pressed

And I felt the slow twinge of pain as I felt it slipping

On the hinge of falling apart

Things we were hopeful for - I have "a good feeling" about this one

We say each time, not knowing the full weight of disappointment

Until the bottom falls out

Endless pressure from gravity and the stress of it all

"Figuring it out," perpetually

As if it's something to check off the list

We never quite get there - Do we? Did we?

Everything is just momentary, it often seems

And there is comfort in that

But much of the time, it's just really painful

When I think of the friends I've been in love with

The qualities they possess

I wonder if there is someone out there who embodies it all

Current situation:

Trying to drown out the drama surrounding my personal life
By surrounding myself with the drama of the impeachment hearings
Stuck in a whirlwind all day of trying to not feel responsible for other people's actions
But I can't help but feel involved in this not very unique play

Luckily, a reprieve when my boss swings through my office
After dodging all day the tasks we needed to address
But he arrives with what he describes as an expensive bottle of wine--
Corked on Saturday (but, "should still be good," supposedly)

It's very opportune, at this moment, while I'm on the edge
I promise myself not to indulge for the wrong reasons, but this seems appropriate
I also long so much to see her, as she seems like the one good thing at present
But I caution myself to not lean too heavily, or greedily

It's never good to rely on one source of happiness, I remind myself
So tonight I will bowl and let off steam in the manner of hurling 10 lbs, 18 mph
And again tomorrow, the distraction of music as rehearsal--
It's easier to forget when there are others relying on me for things

I guess it is human that I care more when others are involved

I don't know if I'm strong enough to appease everyone in this situation

I don't know if I will give anyone what they need if they're at odds with each other

I don't know if I will come out of this without losing something, myself

Baking a pie and feeling so grateful,
The eve before the holiday.
It took us a few hours with
Distractions of kisses,
Holding & squeezing each other,
But we got there, eventually--
And it was so good.
Reward ourselves with a bath,
The warmest I've felt
In so many different ways,
Feeling soft and sensitive
And lucky.
And then, just to wake near you,
Slowly adjusting to the weak,
Gray light slipping in--
Lucky.
To be able to share the morning
And this slice of pie with you,
I can't express enough,
Just in cups of coffee and orange juice,
To bite at our lips,
When our lips are not busy with each other's.
Lucky.

Driving to your house

I want to be tender
I want to be sensitive again
And not in the bruised way

Your sweet spirit.

In the cells of my lungs

I know earlier today
I said it was easier
But I don't want
To be alone forever

Tipsy and lonely, so thinking I’ll practice some self-care and take a warm bath
Drawing the water, but then I think—this is what happened to Dolores O’Riordan, and get sad
And start to listen again- this one, a cover, plain but also not at all

Unsolicited dreams
Encountering old ghosts
Divvying up as if we didn't know already
Where things belong

Sitting on the edge of my bed
I wonder why you're here
Talking like an earlier version of yourself
Both familiar and unfamiliar

Looking over my shoulder, still
Without even physical bodies
It's just the idea of a person
That takes the color out of my skin

It’s so hard to get in your head
To know what’s going through your mind
Your moves seem at minimum haphazard
But more so cruel as you just carry on

Why give when you’re absent?
Why be when you’re reluctant?
I spend too long wondering why it is
You’re not endless and yet,
I know It was probably always limited

It keeps me up at night
The way you kissed
With your eyes open
Looking into mine,
Slow moving--
And I wonder what changed

It's just living in my mind

I feel the lust in my lungs
When my chest seizes
The burdened breaths
And automated, unintentional heavy sighs;
Always finding myself staring off,
Having zero thoughts, having twenty—all at once,
I’m juggling between what seems logical and what is most certainly
An annoying undercurrent of paranoia

Of course I know best when I’m being ridiculous
I take it harshly, and in absolutes,
Instead of half-truths
I wear them as brandings of my misgivings
And so I can be open and warm,
Until I remember then try to hide myself away, cover up my skin—
All until the false confidence begins again

I never thought I was this insecure,
But maybe I am, but maybe this is normal, maybe this is everyone
Hard to tell when we’re all trying so hard to pretend otherwise

I feel nervous, not knowing 

But then there are these moments

Like the way I made you laugh in the car

And you cupped my cheek in your hand

Or the time you woke up

With your head on my chest

And tilted up to kiss me

Still half asleep

You know you lightly snore

And it is the cutest thing

It’s these things I try to ignore

To not get too attached

To not potentially hurt

But also the things I try to remember

When I wonder if I should be

Hopeful or sentimental

Investing my tender self

I haven't in a long time
But that's not on you
How could you know?
That I was actually gentle, tender and afraid

My heart beats so loudly
And I can't ignore it
I do it to myself
I did this all to myself
I got myself deeper and deeper in
I brought this all on myself

"My ideas were always too big.
My love is always too big.
Too much. I do this to myself.
I should do everything small, sedated."

Teetering on the precipice
Uncertain of which direction
I will tumble damnably down
Careening toward unplanned ventures

I blew out the row of candles
Just like a birthday wish
Pink and red ones
And a single purple one
For good measure--
Necromancing romance
A desire to be desired

Dream II

You told me, "Hey, look at this," and put your hand in mine. I held your hand and leaned in to see a small bite, maybe from a spider. Not wanting to let go just yet, "Oh, yeah," and went to rub it lightly with my thumb. While your hand was resting on mine, your pinky and ring fingers curled and stroked my palm. A little embarrassed for the length of this, I thought to pull away, but somehow we scooted closer, with our knees weaving together.

Dream I

I'm at Mandy's house and although it is morning, she offers me something to drink, asking, "do you want any alcohol?" Smiling and looking mischievous.

6-3-11

Cried for who knows how long until I fell asleep, unbeknownst to her. She left while I was sleeping, half asleep. A good-bye and, "I love you," that I think I dreamed. Now, I'm left alone--did last night happen? It did. Now, I feel, it's the calm before the storm. The eye of the storm. She's gone. I weigh myself, this month's low. Everything feels heavy. I lay in bed naked, with a pillow over my face. I feel something big coming, my bones are aching.
     Draw the blinds.
     Get drunk at 3:00 p.m.

Slim one,
Why the slender face?
Why the small waist?
Why dresses
And bare skin?
Why devoted time
To dolling up?
All this prep & care
Is working towards something,
And what?
For nothing.
You don't get what you want, and
You don't foresee it.

Even someone so kind
With such kind words
Is full of toxins,
seeping into me.

You're so negligent
With your abuse--
You often forget,
Leaving it with me.

My trust runs deep within you,
A mass-trans bridge
For your poison
Into my sanity.

"I'm so comfortable with you."
"I haven't been this at-ease since I don't know when."
"This feels really good, right?"

Oh, how you forget,
Leaving it with me,
Toxins.

I pause long enough to remember
How we used to cook dinner together,
And I decide then that I hate everything.
There isn't any point in investment,
There's no point in normalcy
When you feel out of place like you've always been--
A strange girl with strange fancies,
Inverted and fumbling to get in line.

I thought this was our haven,
Thought this was our reprieve,
But I'm lost as I ever was.
Maybe you were just momentary relief.

"I don't see myself in this house.
I don't see myself in this."

And I am adrift, thinking of
Breakfast plates and table scapes.
It was all a dream,
But oh, to shut your eyes
For just a moment,
For only a moment,
I was calm.

"You told me you were looking at rings."
(My mind is somewhere else than yours, completely)
You have a way of making me feel ashamed for feeling too much,
But I remember us--both of us sitting
In a bathtub in Pankow, Berlin
And I laid you on the wooden floor,
And you were the vulnerable one then.
Hovering over you--and our disagreements.
I could have argued with you forever,
But you decided to leave.

I can’t sit still.
A longing for the fear
To keep moving,
Rolling down the leaf-draped hills,
Cautious and conscious
Of every bump and whisper of wind.
Golden honey rays
Peak through the canopy and envelope me,
Drenching me in a sweet bath.
Where else can I find such warmth?
I find myself ruminating over ellipses.

Your long fingers
On my face, and inside.
Our slow stares
And low sighs.
Every time we whispered
In the middle of the night,
I felt a closeness with you,
A musing energy in my life.

And I’m scared that
I’m losing this feeling,
And there’s the fear of what I know—
That I must forget it.

Instead, it is your long face
And the burn
Of your harsh glare, I feel
Your low blows, and hear
Your combative voice.
What once was growing
Stifles within me, and I am
Once again, dispirited and cold.

Her eyes--brown, contrasting, and clear... When she smiles with them. When she smiles period. Beautiful and stunning, it is wide and infectious. The sharp corners of her mouth, which she worries of the mirroring creases causing permanent wrinkles... I love these both. Cause and effect, I kiss these both.

Her wrists. Her beautiful wrists. Small and slender, the hands are nothing without them. Her hands are portals to her affection. She authors her love for me with every touch, like a pen-point. When she maps my face with her hands, all of their grace and elegance is thanks to her wrists.

I'm learning to sit with myself...
     ...a self-Shiva.

I listen to the crickets
     That sound throughout my soul.

I'm learning what I like,
     And what I don't like.

A hot cup of tea at 10:00.

Wrap me up in your slender arms,
In your silk,
Sliding,
Over my body.
You're smooth as lotion
Spreading over my skin.
I'm dry
And tender,
Sensitive
To any presence,
But your essence
Is a welcome one
Revitalizing me--
Like breathing in
Fresh
Unzipped citrus.
It pierces my nostrils, and
Gently
Shocks me alive.
The Awakening.

During that cheesy song,
Your foot touched mine
And my heart felt like a banjo,
Twanging.

I wonder if I make you sweat,
Even though you're asking me if I'm cold.

Kiss my eyelids
Every night
So that I may sleep,
And I'll promise to
Touch my lips
To all your sharp places
Of your curvature,
And hold you near,
Until we aren't thinking
Consciously anymore,
Until the morning,
Stretching & sighing.

"A sip of water to stretch the seconds,
Including these smiles & smirks
Inside all this noise, all this chatter.
Fingers tapping a beat and my hands all a-frantic
To find something sacred to share with you...
Switching back and forth,
Mending my metamorphosis,
Here you are as you always were,
By my side, with you,
All the bad thoughts have died."

Coriander, cardamom, echinacea.
Sage, basil, & dill;
Shading the kitchen counter,
Lining the window sill.
Yellow walls and checkered floors,
This is where we create art.
This is where we nourish ourselves.
This is where we
                        love.

"Stripes from the nape of your neck
To your heart fill of spectacular spices.
My eyes fall upon every movement,
Every moment you are a lovely layer of love."

My plaid love,
Lumber my heart.
Harvest for your own creation.
Perhaps a wooden chest
To fill with memories,
Or a house for us to live in.

Bring your epsom salts,
Your lavender,
Your faint smiles.
I'll surround you, envelope you,
Submerge you in warmth
With kisses.
I'll put the creases
Back in your face.
Dissolve into me,
Cleansing love.

[viridissima virga] To my lover, 2011

I think we're growing.
Yeah, I can feel us growing.
The night's slumber,
The quiet of the morning.
You're the greenest branch--
Bending, bending,
Bending...
Letters and lists,
Secret notes,
Surprises.
We begin to melt,
Mistaken for one body.
Content with life,
With kissing your eyelids,
With your beautiful wrists.
You are the greenest branch.

Finally in agreement,                    ] We've heard the usual saying,
My heart and brain                        ] But what if they are on the same page?
Say, "Yes,"                                      ] Everything about this love is right.

But my confidence                        ] Maybe if I was confident,
Says, "No chance."                        ] I could actually see this through...

Waiting

I think we're growing.
Yeah, I can feel us growing.
------------------------------------------------------
My heart is breaking,
(I like you so much)
Just to think
Of a life without you.
------------------------------------------------------
I'm afraid of being nice.
------------------------------------------------------
I'm not going to say anything,
Because I'm too afraid to know.
This ignorant bliss...
Is better
Than whatever reservations
You might have.
I don't need to know
Right now.
If I ask,
If I push,
I may just scare you away.
You may scare me away.
------------------------------------------------------
I've been so cool
And understanding,
I forgot
To think about myself.
My fear,
My past,
My heart.
I said, "Whenever you're ready,"
Though...
I'm eagerly awaiting,
Or am I just waiting?

Core

Red and ripe,
I break the skin,
Searching inside,
Kissing the flesh,
gently, softly.
Juices run,
And my lips press,
Sucking, soothing.
Oh, woman,
With color in your cheeks,
Let me peel away your ruby dress
And with my wet lips,
Caress your pale curves.
Let me brush my teeth
Along your side as you shiver
And let out a sigh.
Your taste is sweet and tart,
As is your heart.
I can love all of you.
I want all of you.
You give yourself graciously
To my hungry mouth,
Swollen and sensitive.
I must get to your core.

When I first heard you sing and play,

I knew you were special.

When we first took that walk around town,

talking about music and spirituality,

I knew I would know you forever.

When we biked that night

Into the arb and under the moon,

I knew that I would love you.

And it was apparent following,

with you visiting in my dreams,

or thinking I wanted to see you,

and there you appeared.

Dreaming

Fooled Again

New Tensions

Remember, the sensation of cold fingers & electricity...
awaken and born again with every touch.
Reaching out, as if I might die, if I can't feel your warmth.

Remember, the feeling of your profile & mass pressing against my back--
the weight & pressure which grounds me.
I feel you standing behind me, and locking into place like a key in the door.

You are behind me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They say life is full of many loves, not just one.
And so how many times will I be born in my life?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thankful, for what I have...
So much harder to recognize
Than my sadness for what I am lacking.

Your sudden absence burns like a dozen bombs
Every memory a devastating hit.

I spend the holiday with my family in safety
While missiles are tossed back and forth.

I'm here, physically; though,
I feel more so in Gaza,
Defenseless.
Likewise, I feel our separation is
A conflict that will never be
Resolved.

Prophecy, 2012

Before I left for school, my mother told me a prophecy. She was at a holiday party and met this woman. When they were introduced, the woman took note of my mother's wedding ring. She held her hand and examined the ring. My mother made a point to tell me that this was unwarranted, that she doesn't pry into my business... but this psychic woman revealed to her a revelation.

She asked my mother if she had a daughter. Yes, two. Looking into the ring, the psychic said she saw a daughter with dark hair. This daughter had music notes surrounding her. Me, no doubt. The psychic went on to say that I was engulfed in troubles. That I was a troubled young woman. But not to worry, because by April, things will be better.

This has been haunting me whenever I think of my poor disposition. I don't want to have to wait until April for everything to be okay. It's good to be assured that things will and can be fine, but I hate feeling like I have no control over my own life.

A lot of times, I just wish I was thirty with a decent job I can stand, a place to call home, a life-long companion I luckily found by then, and children of my own. That's all I want. Hobbies are for those that have time to spare.

I can't do it.
I couldn't do it again.
I bruise easily, and
Another fall would do me in.

Damp earth, warm
Yet cool to touch the air--
And my chest feels heavy.
I feel your ghost weighing on my chest.
Little bodies squeek & sing,
And I feel like screaming.

My skin is on fire from the Spring air,
Burning with the atmosphere of rebirth
Because I feel nothing--
But dead branches & phantom limbs
Of where you once were
Attached to me.

Rumination on the past serves little purpose
When compared to feeling the experience and moving forward.
Worrying about the future prepares some,
But not enough to outweigh the anxiety that comes.

Move & remember to keep breathing.
Live & remember to keep feeling.
That way, if I  die,
I won't have seen it coming,
And time will not have been wasted.

Build a house in the present.
Remember to compost memories
So that new life may bloom.
Water the seeds & watch them grow,
Don't wait until tomorrow
To see them sprout.