Current situation:

Trying to drown out the drama surrounding my personal life
By surrounding myself with the drama of the impeachment hearings
Stuck in a whirlwind all day of trying to not feel responsible for other people's actions
But I can't help but feel involved in this not very unique play

Luckily, a reprieve when my boss swings through my office
After dodging all day the tasks we needed to address
But he arrives with what he describes as an expensive bottle of wine--
Corked on Saturday (but, "should still be good," supposedly)

It's very opportune, at this moment, while I'm on the edge
I promise myself not to indulge for the wrong reasons, but this seems appropriate
I also long so much to see her, as she seems like the one good thing at present
But I caution myself to not lean too heavily, or greedily

It's never good to rely on one source of happiness, I remind myself
So tonight I will bowl and let off steam in the manner of hurling 10 lbs, 18 mph
And again tomorrow, the distraction of music as rehearsal--
It's easier to forget when there are others relying on me for things

I guess it is human that I care more when others are involved

I don't know if I'm strong enough to appease everyone in this situation

I don't know if I will give anyone what they need if they're at odds with each other

I don't know if I will come out of this without losing something, myself

Baking a pie and feeling so grateful,
The eve before the holiday.
It took us a few hours with
Distractions of kisses,
Holding & squeezing each other,
But we got there, eventually--
And it was so good.
Reward ourselves with a bath,
The warmest I've felt
In so many different ways,
Feeling soft and sensitive
And lucky.
And then, just to wake near you,
Slowly adjusting to the weak,
Gray light slipping in--
Lucky.
To be able to share the morning
And this slice of pie with you,
I can't express enough,
Just in cups of coffee and orange juice,
To bite at our lips,
When our lips are not busy with each other's.
Lucky.

Driving to your house

I want to be tender
I want to be sensitive again
And not in the bruised way

Your sweet spirit.

In the cells of my lungs

I know earlier today
I said it was easier
But I don't want
To be alone forever

Tipsy and lonely, so thinking I’ll practice some self-care and take a warm bath
Drawing the water, but then I think—this is what happened to Dolores O’Riordan, and get sad
And start to listen again- this one, a cover, plain but also not at all

Unsolicited dreams
Encountering old ghosts
Divvying up as if we didn't know already
Where things belong

Sitting on the edge of my bed
I wonder why you're here
Talking like an earlier version of yourself
Both familiar and unfamiliar

Looking over my shoulder, still
Without even physical bodies
It's just the idea of a person
That takes the color out of my skin

It’s so hard to get in your head
To know what’s going through your mind
Your moves seem at minimum haphazard
But more so cruel as you just carry on

Why give when you’re absent?
Why be when you’re reluctant?
I spend too long wondering why it is
You’re not endless and yet,
I know It was probably always limited

It keeps me up at night
The way you kissed
With your eyes open
Looking into mine,
Slow moving--
And I wonder what changed

It's just living in my mind

I feel the lust in my lungs
When my chest seizes
The burdened breaths
And automated, unintentional heavy sighs;
Always finding myself staring off,
Having zero thoughts, having twenty—all at once,
I’m juggling between what seems logical and what is most certainly
An annoying undercurrent of paranoia

Of course I know best when I’m being ridiculous
I take it harshly, and in absolutes,
Instead of half-truths
I wear them as brandings of my misgivings
And so I can be open and warm,
Until I remember then try to hide myself away, cover up my skin—
All until the false confidence begins again

I never thought I was this insecure,
But maybe I am, but maybe this is normal, maybe this is everyone
Hard to tell when we’re all trying so hard to pretend otherwise

I feel nervous, not knowing 

But then there are these moments

Like the way I made you laugh in the car

And you cupped my cheek in your hand

Or the time you woke up

With your head on my chest

And tilted up to kiss me

Still half asleep

You know you lightly snore

And it is the cutest thing

It’s these things I try to ignore

To not get too attached

To not potentially hurt

But also the things I try to remember

When I wonder if I should be

Hopeful or sentimental

Investing my tender self

I haven't in a long time
But that's not on you
How could you know?
That I was actually gentle, tender and afraid

My heart beats so loudly
And I can't ignore it
I do it to myself
I did this all to myself
I got myself deeper and deeper in
I brought this all on myself

"My ideas were always too big.
My love is always too big.
Too much. I do this to myself.
I should do everything small, sedated."

Teetering on the precipice
Uncertain of which direction
I will tumble damnably down
Careening toward unplanned ventures

I blew out the row of candles
Just like a birthday wish
Pink and red ones
And a single purple one
For good measure--
Necromancing romance
A desire to be desired