An unexpected joyous time
And I'm feeling shame, feeling failure, feeling a great sense of lacking
How did I get to this place when I was trying so hard to not budge an inch
And you came along to draw me out--and for what?
What was the purpose of all of this
Now I'm left with a wasted sense of restlessness
Not comfortable with myself, sitting in my own skin
Don't know what to do with my hands
Never know what to do with my body
Something so soothing about walking aimlessly at night and ending up at the river
The chaotic and yet undefined reflection of light, bouncing off the surface
Mixing with the sounds of other waves, other melancholic reflections
From sharp edges, harsh angles shaping what I'm feeling, shaping what's ailing
Feeding on the old wounds left over from another beast
You've taken what you wanted with hard and subtle persuasion
You've fooled those closest to you, the ones weak with sympathy
You've fed off the hand that's drunk and unaware of its discrepancies
You can't break a spine if it doesn't exist
You can't steal time if it's in excess
Is anything every accomplished by cursing time?
Choices I made, opportunities I missed (I'm cursed)
I haunt myself with my own words
Always coming back to me, they echo
I give power
To everything
Everything else
But myself
All of my idols are sad
But maybe that's the human condition
To be full of things
Like longing and guilt
Insatiable and haunting
Whenever I feel like I'm not enough
I always wish I could will myself into a different way of being
Replace part of my personality with something new
Jump into someone else's body
Or maybe just will myself away
Maybe the issue is with scenery
Feeling displaced with where trying to build a home
Perpetually roaming, longing for what seems unattainable--
A deep, sought after comfort
Which seems like a myth, yet we all try anyway
I feel the lust in my lungs when my chest seizes
The burdened breaths and automated, unintentional heavy sighs
Always finding myself staring off
Having zero thoughts, having twenty- all at once
I'm juggling between what seems logical
And what is most certainly an annoying undercurrent of paranoia
Of course I know best when I'm being ridiculous
I take it harshly and in absolutes, instead of in half truths
I wear them as branding of my misgivings
And so I can be open and warm until I remember then try to hide myself away
Cover up my skin--all until the false confidence begins again
I never thought I was this insecure, but maybe I am
But maybe this is normal, maybe this is everyone
Hard to tell when we're all trying so hard to pretend otherwise
Curse myself for being this way
Damn the world for its complexities and acquired tastes
Miscommunications and ventures bringing waste
Mortified by my own desires and questioning of what I think I deserve
I'd rather leave it be and pretend I never trailed down a path that leads to nowhere
Always wondering what is it exactly I have learned if not just another way of resilience
What's "for the best" doesn't necessarily feel positive
It sometimes feels like a bruise being pressed
And I felt the slow twinge of pain as I felt it slipping
On the hinge of falling apart
Things we were hopeful for - I have "a good feeling" about this one
We say each time, not knowing the full weight of disappointment
Until the bottom falls out
Endless pressure from gravity and the stress of it all
"Figuring it out," perpetually
As if it's something to check off the list
We never quite get there - Do we? Did we?
Everything is just momentary, it often seems
And there is comfort in that
But much of the time, it's just really painful
When I think of the friends I've been in love with
The qualities they possess
I wonder if there is someone out there who embodies it all
