I pause long enough to remember
How we used to cook dinner together,
And I decide then that I hate everything.
There isn't any point in investment,
There's no point in normalcy
When you feel out of place like you've always been--
A strange girl with strange fancies,
Inverted and fumbling to get in line.

I thought this was our haven,
Thought this was our reprieve,
But I'm lost as I ever was.
Maybe you were just momentary relief.

"I don't see myself in this house.
I don't see myself in this."

And I am adrift, thinking of
Breakfast plates and table scapes.
It was all a dream,
But oh, to shut your eyes
For just a moment,
For only a moment,
I was calm.

"You told me you were looking at rings."
(My mind is somewhere else than yours, completely)
You have a way of making me feel ashamed for feeling too much,
But I remember us--both of us sitting
In a bathtub in Pankow, Berlin
And I laid you on the wooden floor,
And you were the vulnerable one then.
Hovering over you--and our disagreements.
I could have argued with you forever,
But you decided to leave.

I can’t sit still.
A longing for the fear
To keep moving,
Rolling down the leaf-draped hills,
Cautious and conscious
Of every bump and whisper of wind.
Golden honey rays
Peak through the canopy and envelope me,
Drenching me in a sweet bath.
Where else can I find such warmth?
I find myself ruminating over ellipses.

Your long fingers
On my face, and inside.
Our slow stares
And low sighs.
Every time we whispered
In the middle of the night,
I felt a closeness with you,
A musing energy in my life.

And I’m scared that
I’m losing this feeling,
And there’s the fear of what I know—
That I must forget it.

Instead, it is your long face
And the burn
Of your harsh glare, I feel
Your low blows, and hear
Your combative voice.
What once was growing
Stifles within me, and I am
Once again, dispirited and cold.

Her eyes--brown, contrasting, and clear... When she smiles with them. When she smiles period. Beautiful and stunning, it is wide and infectious. The sharp corners of her mouth, which she worries of the mirroring creases causing permanent wrinkles... I love these both. Cause and effect, I kiss these both.

Her wrists. Her beautiful wrists. Small and slender, the hands are nothing without them. Her hands are portals to her affection. She authors her love for me with every touch, like a pen-point. When she maps my face with her hands, all of their grace and elegance is thanks to her wrists.

I'm learning to sit with myself...
     ...a self-Shiva.

I listen to the crickets
     That sound throughout my soul.

I'm learning what I like,
     And what I don't like.

A hot cup of tea at 10:00.

Wrap me up in your slender arms,
In your silk,
Sliding,
Over my body.
You're smooth as lotion
Spreading over my skin.
I'm dry
And tender,
Sensitive
To any presence,
But your essence
Is a welcome one
Revitalizing me--
Like breathing in
Fresh
Unzipped citrus.
It pierces my nostrils, and
Gently
Shocks me alive.
The Awakening.

During that cheesy song,
Your foot touched mine
And my heart felt like a banjo,
Twanging.

I wonder if I make you sweat,
Even though you're asking me if I'm cold.

Kiss my eyelids
Every night
So that I may sleep,
And I'll promise to
Touch my lips
To all your sharp places
Of your curvature,
And hold you near,
Until we aren't thinking
Consciously anymore,
Until the morning,
Stretching & sighing.

"A sip of water to stretch the seconds,
Including these smiles & smirks
Inside all this noise, all this chatter.
Fingers tapping a beat and my hands all a-frantic
To find something sacred to share with you...
Switching back and forth,
Mending my metamorphosis,
Here you are as you always were,
By my side, with you,
All the bad thoughts have died."

Coriander, cardamom, echinacea.
Sage, basil, & dill;
Shading the kitchen counter,
Lining the window sill.
Yellow walls and checkered floors,
This is where we create art.
This is where we nourish ourselves.
This is where we
                        love.

"Stripes from the nape of your neck
To your heart fill of spectacular spices.
My eyes fall upon every movement,
Every moment you are a lovely layer of love."

My plaid love,
Lumber my heart.
Harvest for your own creation.
Perhaps a wooden chest
To fill with memories,
Or a house for us to live in.

Bring your epsom salts,
Your lavender,
Your faint smiles.
I'll surround you, envelope you,
Submerge you in warmth
With kisses.
I'll put the creases
Back in your face.
Dissolve into me,
Cleansing love.

[viridissima virga] To my lover, 2011

I think we're growing.
Yeah, I can feel us growing.
The night's slumber,
The quiet of the morning.
You're the greenest branch--
Bending, bending,
Bending...
Letters and lists,
Secret notes,
Surprises.
We begin to melt,
Mistaken for one body.
Content with life,
With kissing your eyelids,
With your beautiful wrists.
You are the greenest branch.

Finally in agreement,                    ] We've heard the usual saying,
My heart and brain                        ] But what if they are on the same page?
Say, "Yes,"                                      ] Everything about this love is right.

But my confidence                        ] Maybe if I was confident,
Says, "No chance."                        ] I could actually see this through...

Waiting

I think we're growing.
Yeah, I can feel us growing.
------------------------------------------------------
My heart is breaking,
(I like you so much)
Just to think
Of a life without you.
------------------------------------------------------
I'm afraid of being nice.
------------------------------------------------------
I'm not going to say anything,
Because I'm too afraid to know.
This ignorant bliss...
Is better
Than whatever reservations
You might have.
I don't need to know
Right now.
If I ask,
If I push,
I may just scare you away.
You may scare me away.
------------------------------------------------------
I've been so cool
And understanding,
I forgot
To think about myself.
My fear,
My past,
My heart.
I said, "Whenever you're ready,"
Though...
I'm eagerly awaiting,
Or am I just waiting?

Core

Red and ripe,
I break the skin,
Searching inside,
Kissing the flesh,
gently, softly.
Juices run,
And my lips press,
Sucking, soothing.
Oh, woman,
With color in your cheeks,
Let me peel away your ruby dress
And with my wet lips,
Caress your pale curves.
Let me brush my teeth
Along your side as you shiver
And let out a sigh.
Your taste is sweet and tart,
As is your heart.
I can love all of you.
I want all of you.
You give yourself graciously
To my hungry mouth,
Swollen and sensitive.
I must get to your core.

When I first heard you sing and play,

I knew you were special.

When we first took that walk around town,

talking about music and spirituality,

I knew I would know you forever.

When we biked that night

Into the arb and under the moon,

I knew that I would love you.

And it was apparent following,

with you visiting in my dreams,

or thinking I wanted to see you,

and there you appeared.

Dreaming

Fooled Again

New Tensions

Remember, the sensation of cold fingers & electricity...
awaken and born again with every touch.
Reaching out, as if I might die, if I can't feel your warmth.

Remember, the feeling of your profile & mass pressing against my back--
the weight & pressure which grounds me.
I feel you standing behind me, and locking into place like a key in the door.

You are behind me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They say life is full of many loves, not just one.
And so how many times will I be born in my life?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thankful, for what I have...
So much harder to recognize
Than my sadness for what I am lacking.

Your sudden absence burns like a dozen bombs
Every memory a devastating hit.

I spend the holiday with my family in safety
While missiles are tossed back and forth.

I'm here, physically; though,
I feel more so in Gaza,
Defenseless.
Likewise, I feel our separation is
A conflict that will never be
Resolved.

Prophecy, 2012

Before I left for school, my mother told me a prophecy. She was at a holiday party and met this woman. When they were introduced, the woman took note of my mother's wedding ring. She held her hand and examined the ring. My mother made a point to tell me that this was unwarranted, that she doesn't pry into my business... but this psychic woman revealed to her a revelation.

She asked my mother if she had a daughter. Yes, two. Looking into the ring, the psychic said she saw a daughter with dark hair. This daughter had music notes surrounding her. Me, no doubt. The psychic went on to say that I was engulfed in troubles. That I was a troubled young woman. But not to worry, because by April, things will be better.

This has been haunting me whenever I think of my poor disposition. I don't want to have to wait until April for everything to be okay. It's good to be assured that things will and can be fine, but I hate feeling like I have no control over my own life.

A lot of times, I just wish I was thirty with a decent job I can stand, a place to call home, a life-long companion I luckily found by then, and children of my own. That's all I want. Hobbies are for those that have time to spare.